Saturday, June 30, 2018

When 5150 is not an option...

Listen to music.


Chevelle Send the Pain Below

Soundgarden Black Hole Sun

Seven Mary Three Cumbersome

Three Days Grace Never Too Late

Tool Sober

Linkin Park Numb

Gnarls Barkley Crazy

Blind Melon No Rain

Cranberries Zombie

Nine Inch Nails Hurt (Johnny Cash's cover of this is also haunting)

Papa Roach Last Resort and Help

Blue October Hate Me and Into the Ocean

Stained It's Been a While and Outside

3 Doors Down When I'm Gone

When You Don't Believe in Pixie Dust...

I'll Try

Songwriter: Jonatha Brooke
I'll Try lyrics © Walt Disney Music Company

I'm not a child now 
I can take care of myself 
I mustn't let them down now 
I must not let them see me cry 
I'm fine, I'm fine

I'm too tired to listen 
I'm too old to believe 
All these childish stories 
There is no such thing as faith
And trust and pixie dust 

I try but its so hard to believe 
I try but I can't see what you see 
I try, I try, I try

My whole world is changing 
I don't know where to turn 
I can't leave you waiting 
But I can't stay and watch the city burn 
Watch it burn

'Cause I try but its so hard to believe 
I try but I can't see what you see 
I try, I try, I try

And I try to understand the distance in between 
The love I feel 
The things I fear... 

Friday, June 29, 2018

DEFINITIONS

Misdiagnosed (n) - an incorrect diagnosis of an illness or problem (Oxforddictionaries.com).
     Sentence - 'face pain caused by trigeminal neuralgia can be misdiagnosed as a teeth and sinus problems.'

Trigeminal Neuralgia - A chronic pain condition that affects the trigeminal nerve, which carries sensation from your face to your brain (Mayoclinic.org).
     Sentence - 'Trigeminal neuralgia causes excruciating pain and is also known as the suicide disease.'

Cerebrospinal Fluid Leak [CSF] (n) -  A condition that occurs when clear fluid that supports the brain and spinal cord escapes into other parts of the body (Mayoclinic.org).
     Sentence - 'A CSF leak can occur when the brain's dura is cut during sinus surgery.'

Brain Prolapse (n) - A small [2 cm] portion of the frontal lobe herniated into the [right] sinus from a hole in the brain's dura (personal description).
     Sentence - 'If the membrane that protects the brain gets damaged during sinus surgery, a small hole may continue to tear until a portion of the brain to prolapse into the sinus cavity.'

Frontotemporal Dementia [FTD] (n) - A group of uncommon disorders that primarily affect the frontal and temporal lobes of the brain--the areas generally associated with personality, behavior, and language... is often misdiagnosed as a psychiatric problem (Mayoclinic.org).
     Sentence - 'A person with frontemporal dementia may experience memory loss, clumsiness, anger, or aggressive changes in mood or behavior.'

Mental Health (n) - A person's condition with regard to their psychological and emotional well-being (Oxforddictionaries.com).
     Sentence - 'Drastic changes in mood that affect someone's mental health can be a result of both bipolar disorder and frontotemporal brain atrophy dementia.'

Bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness] (n) - A brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks (NIMH.NIH.gov).
     Sentence - 'To some people suffering from bipolar disorder severe depression feels like being trapped in a black hole, but mania feels like being possessed by a demonic force.'

Psychosis - Conditions that affect the mind, where there has been some loss of contact with reality. A person may also experience depression, anxiety, sleep problems, social withdraw, lack of motivation, and difficulty functioning overall (NIMH.NIH.Gov).
     Sentence - 'A side effect of being prescribed incorrect medication by a psychiatrist can be psychosis.'

Self (n) - A person's essential being that distinguishes them from others, especially considered as the object of introspection or reflexive action (Oxforddictionaries.com).
     Sentence - 'losing control is an aspect of many root causes that cause a destruction in a person's sense of self.'

Anger (v) - A strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility (Oxford.dictionaries.com).
     Sentence - 'Mania used to make me feel  like I could accomplish anything, but now it generates only anger.'

Rage (v)- Violent uncontrollable anger (Oxforddictionaries.com).
     Sentence - 'FTD can cause unknown sadness one minute, or intense rage the next.'

Loathing (v) - A feeling of intense dislike, disgust, or hated (Oxforddictionaries.com).
     Sentence - 'Excessive cursing at family members when angry can cause intense feelings of self-loathing.'



Thursday, June 28, 2018

Little Annoyances

Annoyance (n): A feeling or state of being annoyed. 

     Synonyms: irritation, exasperation, vexation, anger, displeasure, aggravation, nuisance.


A day in the life of... 

For the sake of a day, the clock starts at 12am. 

12ish... realize I have to pee. Stiff, painful, and unsteady walk to the bathroom and back to bed. Uncomfortable, but able to fall back asleep for 90 minutes.

2ish... realize I have to pee. Stiff, painful, and unsteady walk to the bathroom and back to bed. Thirsty, but if I drink something I'll have to pee again. Annoyed and uncomfortable, but able to fall asleep.

4ish... realize the dogs are banging against their crates to tell me they, too, have to pee. Stiff, painful, and unsteady hobble out to the front room. Three feet before the kitchen, I tell myself to start the coffee pot before I let the dogs out.

I pass the coffee pot, open the dog crates and scoot them out the back door and remember... crap, I forgot to turn on the coffee.  Irritated, I hobble back to the kitchen and start the coffee.

Neuropathic pain eases as I organize the dogs bowls and get their breakfast ready before I let them back in the house. Four bowls: three have dry kibble, one bowl is empty.  I stand there confused. Crap... what do I need? 

Oh yeah. Peewee's refridge dog food. Open fridge, stare long enough to say, "What am I doing? Think, think, thing." Turn around and see the empty dog bowl and say, "Oh yeah. PeeWee." Look back at the ingredients inside the fridge and say, "Crap... What am I looking for?" Then before I turn around again I see PeeWee's food and get if for her bowl.

I fix my coffee in a plastic Starbucks cup with a lid so my shaky hands won't spill the hot liquid when I sit down to drink it. I stare at the black liquid. Crap... what do I need? Oh yeah, creamer. I open the fridge, thinking creamer for coffee as I process each item of the same size in the fridge for about 6 seconds.

"Where's the lid?" I know I had it when I filled my cup. The little annoyances are growing. "It was right there." Agitation takes over and I'm no longer thinking crap. Other 4 letter words pop out of my mouth as I scan the room for the lid to my coffee. I spot it on the toaster. Why the heck would I have put it there? My temper cools enough for me to attach the lid on my cup and walk toward my chair.

The dogs scratch at the back door. Crap... I forgot to let them back in. I set my coffee down on the table, walk to the door and they scurry in to find their breakfast. I make it to my chair but realize crap... I don't have me coffee. Where did I put it?

Every time I open the fridge, go to wash clothes, feed the animals, do dishes, use the microwave I stand there a bit confused until I have to ask myself, "What do I need?" or "What was I doing?" or "Think... think... think."

This crap goes on and on all day long, sometimes over a hundred times a day. Each question I ask wears at a spot in my psyche and after a few hours, I've lost patience with myself and everything around me. Once I've lost my patience, I hate myself, life, and everything around me because I'm now manic.


Remember When...

Remember when you would drive your daughter to high school and songs from her favorite bands would play on the radio and you thought you were cool because you knew the names of the bands and could talk to her about them?

That was less than eighteen months ago. Now, a song comes on that we used to rock out to and I can only turn it up and ask either, "who's this band, again?" or "we used to like this song, right?"

Remember when you could read a news article or a book, then turn the page to continue what you were reading because you remembered what you have read?

That was me this time last year. Now, scrolling down on a Washington Post article causes a little confusion about what I was reading in the first place. I sometimes have to scroll back up to remind myself what I could have possibly found interesting enough to have chosen to read the article in the first place.

Remember when you could watch a television show with the volume at 17 and without the captions on?

I can't remember when the volume kept creeping up because it's on a steady 47 or higher now, but a little over a year ago I had to have the captions turned on so I could catch up with what was being said. Now, even with the loud blaring of sound and the captions, my brain's processing only lets me catch about 70% of what I watch. Problems solved with streaming because I can watch the show 2 or 3 time to catch what I miss. Too bad I can't use this technique when I have to interact in real life situations. Missing 30% of what people try to tell me is extremely frustrating.

Remember when you had a favorite video game app that you would play all the time?

Othello (Reverse) was my phone app game and I played it all the time (multiple times a day, everyday, for over a year.) Then I forgot about it  until a day ago, but all I could remember was there was a game I used to play that I really liked. The thing is, I don't know if I hadn't played for a day, a week, or a month before I'd forgot about it.

Remember when you knew what day of the week it is?

Last year, remembering the day of the week became associated with what television show you liked (Westworld or Game of Thrones: Sunday night on HBO) or when the grocery store ads come in the morning paper (Wednesday). Now, even that is hard to keep straight.

Remember when you  could make lists (Costco, dry cleaning, pet store for chicken feed) in your mind of things you needed to accomplish while running errands?

Now, only errands must be done individually, and lists must be made.

Remember when you could balance your checkbook in your head, knowing exactly how much the balance was, when automatic drafts would be pulled, etc?

I could do that with three separate checking accounts. Within the last few months, insufficient fund emails have become the norm.

Remember when you could remember?





Thursday, June 21, 2018

What's In My Head?

If you want to know what mania feel like, then believe me when I say the Cranberries nailed it in their song Zombie :
... In your [my] head, in your [my] head
They are fighting
With their tanks and their bombs
And their bombs and their guns
In your [my] head in your [my] head they are crying ...

What's in your [my] head?

... When the violence causes silence 
... It's the same old thing since 1916 [I was 19]
In your [my] head, in your [my] head
They're still fighting
With their tanks and their bombs
And their bombs and their guns
In your [my] head, in your [my] head they are dying ...

Thursday, June 14, 2018

Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain... WE understand!

The "WE" I'm referring to is all the people who suffer with mental illness. Our hearts bleed for you both (also Robin Williams, Chester Bennington, Chris Cornell, Jr. Seau, Kurt Cobain, etc...)  because "WE" know the pain you felt and what drove you to that helpless place.

People whose serotonin receptors work properly may say, "It's such a tragedy," or "I wish he/she would have been able to reach out to someone," or "He/she had so much to live for," or "If only he/she would have gotten help," and the worst of all, "Suicide is a selfish act." Mentally healthy people will never understand.

Below, I speak from my perspective as a bipolar individual and not as the collective "WE" above. To the mentally sound I ask the questions:

What if they [people mentioned above] had don't all those things? I know I have.

What if they told family members and friends how sad they were, not just once, but many times? All the pep talks and reassurances from said family and friends were just band-aids that could not stop the internal bleeding. It doesn't matter how much I know that my family and friends love me and care for me--as I do for them--there comes a time when burdening others stops becoming an option.

What if they have been to doctors and were misdiagnosed? I was.

What if they were prescribed a medication by a licensed psychiatrist to help with the symptoms of depression, only to have one of the side effects be thoughts of suicide? This happened to me.

What if they were given another medication to help with rage, only to find the medication made them psychotic and the only way they could feel anything was to self-mutilate? For me, cutting became the only way for me to feel human.

What if they knew they had a lot to live for? I know I am a talented writer, that I am kind, and funny. I know I have a wonderful family who loves me that includes: a wonderful hubby, two incredible children that I would love to see married, a beautiful daughter that I would love to see graduate from college...

Did they not have these same feelings for their children or spouses? Of course they did. But there comes a time when the pain becomes too much.

For me, severe depression is like being swallowed by a black hole. In this space, sadness and feeling like a burden to  everyone you love is overwhelming, but mania is worse. Mania is rage. Rage that gets so bad I fight the desire to cut off my tongue. How can I ask my family to keep forgiving the unforgivable crap my words become when I lose control? I don't like treating them like that, IT IS NOT THEIR FAULT, and truly believe that they would be better off without my demonic behavior.

Did they want their love ones to be sad or blame themselves? This is the dumbest question of all and is one that constantly rotates through my thoughts my  like a turd a circling a toilet bowl. Of course I would never want the people I love to be sad or blame themselves; but as much as I would not want my family or friends to experience those feelings, a note beside my body would not prevent it.

The band Blue October expressed this perfectly in their song Hate Me, because, for me, it's easier to be angry than sad, and hating someone puts the blame on them.  (Blue October's YouTube Channel for Hate Me https://youtu.be/dDxgSvJINlU )