The "WE" I'm referring to is all the people who suffer with mental illness. Our hearts bleed for you both (also Robin Williams, Chester Bennington, Chris Cornell, Jr. Seau, Kurt Cobain, etc...) because "WE" know the pain you felt and what drove you to that helpless place.
People whose serotonin receptors work properly may say, "It's such a tragedy," or "I wish he/she would have been able to reach out to someone," or "He/she had so much to live for," or "If only he/she would have gotten help," and the worst of all, "Suicide is a selfish act." Mentally healthy people will never understand.
Below, I speak from my perspective as a bipolar individual and not as the collective "WE" above. To the mentally sound I ask the questions:
What if they [people mentioned above] had don't all those things? I know I have.
What if they told family members and friends how sad they were, not just once, but many times? All the pep talks and reassurances from said family and friends were just band-aids that could not stop the internal bleeding. It doesn't matter how much I know that my family and friends love me and care for me--as I do for them--there comes a time when burdening others stops becoming an option.
What if they have been to doctors and were misdiagnosed? I was.
What if they were prescribed a medication by a licensed psychiatrist to help with the symptoms of depression, only to have one of the side effects be thoughts of suicide? This happened to me.
What if they were given another medication to help with rage, only to find the medication made them psychotic and the only way they could feel anything was to self-mutilate? For me, cutting became the only way for me to feel human.
What if they knew they had a lot to live for? I know I am a talented writer, that I am kind, and funny. I know I have a wonderful family who loves me that includes: a wonderful hubby, two incredible children that I would love to see married, a beautiful daughter that I would love to see graduate from college...
Did they not have these same feelings for their children or spouses? Of course they did. But there comes a time when the pain becomes too much.
For me, severe depression is like being swallowed by a black hole. In this space, sadness and feeling like a burden to everyone you love is overwhelming, but mania is worse. Mania is rage. Rage that gets so bad I fight the desire to cut off my tongue. How can I ask my family to keep forgiving the unforgivable crap my words become when I lose control? I don't like treating them like that, IT IS NOT THEIR FAULT, and truly believe that they would be better off without my demonic behavior.
Did they want their love ones to be sad or blame themselves? This is the dumbest question of all and is one that constantly rotates through my thoughts my like a turd a circling a toilet bowl. Of course I would never want the people I love to be sad or blame themselves; but as much as I would not want my family or friends to experience those feelings, a note beside my body would not prevent it.
The band Blue October expressed this perfectly in their song Hate Me, because, for me, it's easier to be angry than sad, and hating someone puts the blame on them. (Blue October's YouTube Channel for Hate Me https://youtu.be/dDxgSvJINlU )
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