TMS Syndrome

Good morning... and it actually is. Maybe because I've deciding to do something about my TMS.

TMS stands for Too Much S*!# Syndrome. Last night I was trying to clean out and delete documents in my email boxes from 2008. Can you believe it? Stupid stuff that has no relevant reason to keep in the event that my computer would go faster. Well, the faster computer didn't work because the problem is my slow internet provider (net neutrality didn't help either); however, it felt good to get rid of things that really don't have a purpose in my life anymore.

One of the emails I found was saved from a really old blog that I'd long deleted long ago. On those entries I reviewed the books I read. I used to put my opinions of books I've read on this blog when I first started it. So what I'm going to do is go through and retype what I'd wrote so many years ago. This has two important benefits for me: first, it will help me remember things I'd once forgotten, and second, I will be able to gauge if my writing has improved over the last ten years.

I'm lucky that even though my memory and reading comprehension are starting to slip the part of my brain that expresses itself through writing is still in tact and for that I am truly grateful because restarting my blog entries has been therapeutic for me.

After completing my writing tasks, I'm going to really challenge myself.

I have so much physical s*!# that I no longer need or use. My philosophy has always been "maybe my kids would want it," but that is a delusion. Why would my kids want a collection of small tin containers that I've collected over the years? It is funny that apathy is a symptom of frontotemporal degeneration, yet I'm unable to throw out stuff that I once found special--especially when I really don't care about it now.

So to help me with my crap hoarding problem, instead of saving it physically, I am going to videotape myself showing off each tin that I found out I had to buy. This serves two purposes: one, my children (and maybe grandchildren) can see the things I used to view as collectible objects, and two, I may finally be able to unclutter my life since I will link the video to this blog.

Community College

Yesterday was a good day!

During this summer break, Lucy has been taking fast-track classes at Cedar Valley College. She completed a 3 credit Comp 2 class in May, just finished a 4 credit Biology course, and for July she is tackling a 3 credit Art Survey class. By taking these classes she saved us over $7,000 and she has enough credits to put her half-way through her sophomore year at UArk. I'm very proud of her!!!

We fought often as I nagged her to work on her Comp homework and I only grew angrier during the first week of Biology--maybe because I was very manic--but when I finally backed off she took over and completed all her assignments, met in a study group after class, and ended up with a high B in the five week class.

Since she is an audible learner, attending a class lecture works best for her, but her art class is on-line and there is not an audiobook for her art text books so I am reading them to her. Yesterday we worked on vocabulary without any arguments and her patience with me kept me calm and agreeable. Anytime I don't lose my temper and get frustrated is a good day.

Real Good Days!

The last few days with my family has been really great. On July 3rd, my husband had tickets to the Rough Riders minor league baseball game for his office and their families.

Frontotemporal degeneration symptoms include apathy and withdrawal from social situations. This is me to a tee. I hate going out. I mean, I don't hate the concept of going to the movies, or going out to eat, or going to a baseball game; but when the time comes to get dressed to leave all desire to go is gone. Anyway, my husband added a little guilt when I was complaining about not wanting to go to the game. He was right, I needed to go and get out of the house. We had a really great time and stayed till the 7th inning.

Yesterday, we (Lorne, Lew, and I) got the house ready for our house guests: Mia and Mai Mai, two more boxers. Yep, tomorrow and for the next three (3) weeks we will have a six (6) boxers competing for love and attention. After I had an anger melt down, I went back to the front room and Lucy and I watched a Meg Ryan marathon and watched City of Angles, Sleepless in Seattle, and Harry Met Sally--which was her favorite.

Today, I took Lucy to school (she got a 102% on her biology lab test) and then Lorne and I went out to Tractor Supply for fencing materials to keep Mai Mai from jumping our fence while I'm dog sitting. Just being a couple, even if only shopping, was wonderful. And to end the day, my son called to say he loved me. 

I am very lucky to have the family I have, and I love them very much. And to top it off, I even like myself today, too.

Good Morning...

Self-Loathing!

Emotions That Make Us Human...

Sympathy (n) - Feelings of pity or sorrow for another's misfortune (Google definition).

Empathy (n) - The ability to understand and share the feelings of another (Google definition).

Apathy (n) - The lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern (Google definition).
     Synonyms - indifference, lethargy, idleness, weariness

Wit (n) - A natural aptitude to use words and ideas in a quick and inventive way to create humor (Google definition).
      Synonyms - intelligence, cleverness, insight

~~~~~

I used cry in commercials, during a touching song, when reading a novel or watching a movie in which characters experienced life's trials, tribulations, rejections, triumphs, defeat, and successes.

Over the last year, and especially the last six months, those quirks that used to be a source of teasing from my husband or children has stopped because I no longer tear up the way I used to. 

One of the things that, I believe, has kept my marriage strong these last 25 years and my kids an active part of my life is my sense of humor. We are a family of jokes, puns, sarcasm, and quick wit. We play off of each other and current events. We quote funny lines in movies and television shows. Life, despite the swings in my bipolar metronome of circular emotions, has been fun.

Over the past six months, I feel that humor is slipping through my fingers. My family will tell a joke and when I don't respond they either repeat it or explain it to me. Most of the time I get the pun or joke, but I don't respond by laughing and I know this bothers them. I don't know if I don't think it's funny anymore or if it's because I feel indifference about everything. I care, but I don't.  I can only explain what I'm going through by comparing my experience to the television show Big Bang Theory. A main character in the comedy show is Sheldon Cooper. His indifference to the feelings of others and his delay in processing jokes or sarcasm is what makes the show funny and successful. This feature is not amusing when it becomes a feature of a member of you family, and especially when it is you who behaves that way. Sarcasm is completely lost and internalized as an attack on who I am. It's hard for me to express any emotions other than frustration and anger. 

How can this loss of who I was not be taken personally by the people I love most? Is this going to be what they remember about me? My husband, daughter, and son tell me things about their day that are important to them and I able to listen, but I feel like their words just bounce around in my mind never able to connect to the part of my brain that makes me feel human.

When 5150 is not an option...

Listen to music.


Chevelle Send the Pain Below

Soundgarden Black Hole Sun

Seven Mary Three Cumbersome

Three Days Grace Never Too Late

Tool Sober

Linkin Park Numb

Gnarls Barkley Crazy

Blind Melon No Rain

Cranberries Zombie

Nine Inch Nails Hurt (Johnny Cash's cover of this is also haunting)

Papa Roach Last Resort and Help

Blue October Hate Me and Into the Ocean

Stained It's Been a While and Outside

3 Doors Down When I'm Gone

When You Don't Believe in Pixie Dust...

I'll Try

Songwriter: Jonatha Brooke

I'll Try lyrics © Walt Disney Music Company

I'm not a child now 
I can take care of myself 
I mustn't let them down now 
I must not let them see me cry 
I'm fine, I'm fine

I'm too tired to listen 
I'm too old to believe 
All these childish stories 
There is no such thing as faith
And trust and pixie dust 

I try but its so hard to believe 
I try but I can't see what you see 
I try, I try, I try

My whole world is changing 
I don't know where to turn 
I can't leave you waiting 
But I can't stay and watch the city burn 
Watch it burn

'Cause I try but its so hard to believe 
I try but I can't see what you see 
I try, I try, I try

And I try to understand the distance in between 
The love I feel 
The things I fear...